The Great Pompeii Flambé

While you are still savoring the remains of your previous day's Roshanakwanzamas Feast, think about those less fortunate than you, in particular those who, rather than cooking a turkey in the oven, had their proverbial gooses cooked by being inundated in a flood of scorching hot custard. Yes, I am referring to the Great Pompeii Flambé, the natural disaster of 79 A.D. in which the entire city was smothered by a rather nasty eruption of Ambrosia Custard (the food of the gods) from Mount Vesuvius.

Many people now know Pompeii for being a great tourist attraction that sells lots of overpriced bits of rock as souvenirs; originally, however, Pompeii was a tourist attraction of a different sort - it was the Las Vegas of the Roman Empire, known for its excessive binge drinking, gambling, women, and various other nefarious activities that Romans were rather good at it, in addition to conquering other people's hard earned land.

The whole incident involving Mount Vesuvius rather unfortunately occurred when Pontius Pomp, CEO of the original Caesar's Palace made a rash executive decision - he outbid his fellow competitors on an on-line ePompeii auction for Neptune's Trident. After receiving the sacred artifact by rush delivery, he promptly placed the exquisite piece on display in his casino without the permission of Neptune.

The original Caesar's Palace.

Learning of this, Neptune was pretty pissed. Deciding to avoid any legal entanglements, he did what any self-respecting Roman deity would do, and decided to wreak ridiculously and unjustifiably over-the-top mass destruction upon everyone within a five-mile radius of Pompeii. Thinking of something suitably original, he decided to make the formally dormant volcano, Mount Vesuvius, erupt with Ambrosia Custard, determining that after he had boiled the city alive with piping hot confectionary, he would add some chocolate sprinkles and make a meal of it.

And this is precisely what he did. Many Romans panicked in the streets and ran for their lives, but most of them were already crispier than burnt okra before they even had time to get off the lavatory. After second and third eruptions (of caramel and chocolate, respectively) Pontius Pomp, in particular, became a very dark, creamy truffle.

Ambrosia Custard - creamy, golden, and deadly in excessive quanities.

It has only been in recent years that the former glories of Pompeii have been re-exposed, although admittedly Neptune's leftovers have lost a bit of their original flavor.