The Salem Wicca Wicca Witch Trials

I won’t pretend to know what you’re not thinking – the Salem Witch Trials were merely an elaborate front staged by the KGB so that Arthur Miller could get his knickers in a knot and win a Pulitzer Prize. No, that is not what happened. The Salem (Wicca Wicca) Witch Trials were a completely different affair, and Marilyn Monroe was nowhere near this one.

Arthur, trying very hard to get his knickers in a knot.

It all began in 1693 on one, dark night in a small Massachusetts village. The minister, Woolgrease Lather, had been delivering a particularly slick sermon based on his highly successful audio book series “101 Ways to Spot a Witch”, captivating his entire Puritan audience, with the exception of the Sarah Sisters (or the Sisters Sarah, as they were called in the convent), Tuba, the token gangsta punk, and the local wannabe pop star, Mariah Corey.

Mariah Corey convinced the other three to “ditch the joint” and so they went out into the woods and started singing a somewhat unoriginal pop song. The two Sarahs, although rather naughty nuns, were not terribly good pop singers and decided they’d better stick to the convent Choir. Tuba, on the other hand, being the cutthroat gansta that she was, decided to break out her DJ moves, and accompanied Mariah with a few scratchy “wicca! wicca!”s. They also happened to be scantily clad, because that is what pop stars do; but of course, by Puritan standards, they were “butt nekkid.”

Disturbed by the noise and sounds of “wicca” witchcraft (also known as non-traditional church music) the Puritans poured out of the Church with the Reverend Lather’s “101 Ways to Spot a Witch” fresh in mind and had themselves a witch hunt. The next morning, the aforementioned were all put on trial for premeditated witchcraft, indecent exposure, and painfully bad music.

"(wicca, wicca) Can't Touch This!"

Among the judges were the Reverend Woolgrease Lather, a professional shepherd turned minister (and the somewhat smelly son of Cotton Lather, who was known for his fragrant soapy cotton products and for being much better smelling), John McHale, a Brave who had been playing ball with the Indians down south, and the Gov’ner Willy “Black-Eyed” Pips, a former pirate, musician, rhubarb salesman and London cabbie (in that order).

Looking for a scapegoat, the accused blamed their poor state of mind on the lawyers, doctors, and dentists, because of course they earn too much money and are always to blame. The next morning, Rebecca the Nurse, John the Doctor, and Roger the Toothacher (known for his extortionate dentist fees and nasty root canals) were all hung and burned in Bisquick. Running out of scapegoats, Mariah and the others revealed that there were mentions of witchcraft in Bridget Bishop’s diary, and she too was hung and burned in Bisquick. But the judges, still not satisfied, continued to track down any further accomplices.

Sensing rising tensions in the courtroom, George Jacobs Jingleheimer Schmidt attempted to do “the wave” but was met with little success and very grave looks, especially from John McHale, who had never been a big fan of the Yankees. After it was revealed that George Jacobs Jingleheimer Schmidt was German, the evidence for his guilt was overwhelming, and the next morning he was hung and burned in Bisquick crispier than a cremated Frankfurter.

Mr. George Jacobs realizes too late that the wave has not been invented yet.

And so the Witch Trials continued on for some time until, after many months of the blame game, the judges ran out of people to accuse, got fed up, and went home, after releasing Mariah Corey and her band from prison on probation. Mariah went on to a semi-successful music career, the Sarah Sisters started their own cake company, which apparently nobody didn’t like, and Tuba returned to a life of straight-up thuggin. Today, Salem is a number one tourist attraction for witches, wiccans, waccos, and hags who just want a little magic in their lives.