The Culinary Exploits of Captain Cook

Having talked my proverbial knickers off for far too long, I have finally decided to publish my first historical snippet, this time on Captain James T. Cook.

Many have heard of the good Captain, but few know of his true story. He was the younger brother of the lesser-known Captain Kook, who was the first man to circumnavigate the Isle of Wight in an overturned umbrella and still make it back in time for tea. Maritime tendencies clearly ran in the family, as Captain James T. Cook had, by the age of 29, boldly gone where not many Englishmen had gone before - beyond the smoking parlour.

Captain Cook, having also graduated from Oxenfridge (with a B.S. in Fine Cuisine), had entered Old Navy with dreams of being the personal galley hand to the Lord High Admiral but, after proving his worth in the Seven Year's Collywobble, he was given captaincy of the ship H.M.S. Pinafore and sent on a voyage to charter the unknown realms of the world.

Captain James T. Cook's vessel, the H.M.S. "Pimpin'" Pinafore, cruising in the Pacific.

On his voyages, Cook did many great things for his native England. After establishing his own fast food franchise, Cook-in-the-Box (known for its tasty citrus burgers), he stopped in Samoa to view a stirring performance of South Pacific, before almost-but-not-quite-discovering Antarctica. Next, Cook sailed through New Zealand, witnessing a pre-screening of a new film one of the locals had been working on, then worked his way up through Australia, established a new franchise of "Planet Bollywood" in India, broke down briefly in New Guinea before being fixed up by the Pirates of Pennzoil, and made it to the Sandwich Islands just in time for High Tea.

The Voyage(s) of Captain James T. Cook.

It was on his way back to homeport, that disaster struck. While visiting Hawaii, Captain Cook gave the locals a taste-tester of his brand new rum line. After getting them all quite smashed, he asked them if they had "a little captain in them" and did a funny pose by placing his left food on a conveniently located raised object. Not only was this a shocking gesture in the local culture, but due to an unforeseen mistranslation, the natives thought that the Captain was asking them to eat him. After a somewhat hectic, savage bar fight this is unfortunately what they did.

The proverbial "cooking" of Cook's goose.

While Captain Cook died in action, his legacy of fine culinary achievement lives on (except for Planet Bollywood, which was a dismal failure) and he is remembered worldwide for his characteristic genius in both the kitchen and on the poop deck.