The Many Wives of Henry the VIII

Large and in charge, King Henry the VIII of England was known for having more wives than the entire male population of Salt Lake City combined. He has been likened by many modern historians to a British King Solomon, both for his obscene number of female counterparts and his rather substantial paunch. However, only six of his many reported wives have actually been documented in history. This is their story.

Had he not been king, Henry said he could have been the next 50 Pence.

Catherine of Pentagon was the first recorded wife. Many suspected her of being a New World spy, but Henry was not too fussed so long as she could give him a male heir. Catherine, however, was reportedly not very good at that (only giving him a daughter, Blood E. Marie) and was also, at 40, a bit crusty for the youthful Henry. After failing to secure the Pope's approval for a divorce, Henry just did away with her and moved on to Anne Barren.

Anne Barren was also disappointing, for what reasons Henry could not work out. After she failed to give him the goods (excepting a daughter, Lizzy Beth), he had her executed on charges of witchcraft, treason, adultery, incest, and bad breath. Next on the agenda was famous actress Jane Seymour.

Jane Seymour was a Tudor T.V. personality and phenomenon, known for her renowned cooking show Sieve and Let Fry and her reoccurring role on Dr. Gin: Medicinal Woman. She and Henry shared many happy, long nights together, before finally having Henry's first male heir, Lil' Eddy. Sadly, Jane died not long after the birth of Eddy due to a quail overdose, for which she had developed a nasty obsession during her pregnancy.

Jane Seymour just had that effect on Henry.

After a brief period of mourning, Henry's eye caught the rather large bodice of Anne of Cleavage, and they were soon married. However, their relationship was a shallow one, and after a few months of broken promises, broken hearts, and broken bodices, they decided a divorce would be the best solution.

Determining "the more the merrier" as his philosophical viewpoint on life, Henry married again, this time to Kathy Howard. Alarmed by his expanding girth, she soon turned to a life of marital unfaithfulness, and she too was promptly executed.

Henry married one last time. By now a very old, knackered, and dreadfully obese British monarch, Catherine Pear was practically taking pity on him when she married him. After a short period of relative bliss, Henry popped his podgy clogs and Catherine Pear went on to cash in on a lot of money (no one had bet on her outliving Henry).

Lil' Eddy, Lizzy Beth, and Blood E. Marie went on to a lives of civil strife and national turmoil before Lizzy finally secured the throne, but that is a yarn for another day.