Chris Columbus: The Conquests of Merchandise

In 1492, Chris Columbus sailed the ocean blue. But in 1491, he made many bad movies. It was on account of this that he set sail for the "New World" the next year, in hopes of finding inspiration, or at least cheaper film sets.

Columbus had a hard time finding a sponsor, since his Ravioli Westerns had been a dismal flavor in Italy. He eventually was able to find patronage in Spain, but only because Ferdinand and Isabella had terrible tastes in movies and were rather desperate.

Setting sail in his three ships, La Ninny, La Pinto, and La Santa Barbara, he soon made it farther than any film crew had made before, setting down in some exotic Caribbean Islands which he named San Andreas. Despite initial displeasure with rotten coconuts and rubber palm trees, Columbus was ultimately satisfied by the island's best export - cheap film crews.

A very happy Chris Columbus, having just relieved himself after a long boat trip.

He soon held open auditions for his next movie, something about a British boy wizard, and natives from across the island erupted onto the film set in swarms. Unfortunately, the Europeans seemed to be carrying rather a lot of nasty diseases, so most of the locals popped their clogs during the middle of their auditions.

Determined not to go back to Spain empty handed, Columbus gathered the few remaining Indians (or so he thought!) and returned to the courts of Ferdy and Isabelle. There the Indians established quite a name for themselves, and became the well known band, Euphoria.

Upon returning to Spain, the Indians cleaned themselves up quite nicely.

Chris Columbus continues to make a name for himself, and is currently the only living explorer/filmmaker who has a holiday named after him.